Sunday’s are for pondering

It’s Sunday and I find myself pondering what kind of parent I will be.

I don’t have children yet and I’m not pregnant. However my husband and I are planning to start a family within a year. I’ve wanted to have children for a long time but I was never with a person that made me feel like reproducing was a good idea.

Bobby was incredibly lazy. I knew that it would be like being a single parent with two kids. I’d adore the infant and resent the overgrown one. Also, his controlling personality would have escalated our problems and any kids would have suffered. Deric was just not the person for me. I didn’t want to be trapped with someone I knew I didn’t want a future with for 18+ years.

Matt and I are very similar. We have similar goals for life and the way we want to raise our babies. I look forward to the day I come home from work and walk in the baby’s room and see our angel asleep in his arms.

The thing I have been thinking the most, is what kind of parent will I be if our child is completely different from my husband and I. We are very calm and rational people. I am more cut off from my emotional side than my husband is. How do I parent if our child is hyper-active or a slow thinker? What if they are fiercely dependent, clingy and needy? I have been around kids that are like this but I always get to retreat to my quiet safe haven at the end of the day. I don’t enjoy being around children like that for extended periods of time.

I hope the whole saying “it’s different when they are your own” is true.

When it comes to matters of death, I am quite insensitive. I didn’t realize this until last Wednesday.

My niece, Kylie lost a guinea pig that day. It was all my fault, I let Liz’s dog in the house and I had stepped out to the porch to smoke a cigarette. Shortly after I stepped out of the house, Kylie came up to the sliding glass door screaming that Rocky was inside the guinea pig cage. When I ran in the house, a limp pig was hanging from his mouth and the pig’s partner was hiding and squealing in his hut. I felt awful and like I was an utter failure. There was nothing I could do for the guinea pig and I was at a loss of words. What was I supposed to say this four year old? I wasn’t prepared for this. Can a four year old even comprehend death?

The answer to that is yes, they absolutely can and it is rather heart-breaking to watch as they begin to process it. She kept asking if we could take Boots to the doctor or if I could fix him like I fix planes. I could see the looming heartbreak and I was powerless to stop it. I was just numb. I was still stunned from how the events occurred and I was struggling to come up with sensitive, meaningful and explanatory words.

I’ve lost pets before and even as a young child, I was insensitive and numb. It wasn’t pleasant losing the critters but it didn’t affect me like it did the other kids. I just carried on. It was the same thing when I lost family members. I’m weird. I can’t express that to a child. It will come off as abrasive and cruel.

I simply told Kylie that I loved her very much but I couldn’t talk to her about this. I told her mom was coming home soon and that she will answer your questions. I figured avoiding the questions was better than my honesty. Kylie told me that “It’s okay Aunt Jenn, we all hurt in different ways. I love you too.”.

This child is way beyond her mere four years. There are many instances where she just randomly blurts out things. I don’t even say a word but it’s like she can either read my mind or my silent emotions. She says the right thing that I need to hear and she doesn’t even know it. I look forward to seeing the spectacular woman she will become. I hope she never loses the talent she currently possesses.

I want to be a good parent. I hope I will be. I just don’t know and there is no perfect parenting manual.

All I can really do is work on my tact and patience. I’ll try my best.

 

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