Managing the insecurities

We have that one thing that we hate about ourselves. I hate that I let my insecurities fester and I hide them under the bed, praying they won’t ever come out or that nobody will peer under it.

My husband, Matthew is a phenomenal man. We aren’t a perfect couple. We have disagreements and sometimes we just unintentionally piss each other off. It happens. Even when he is mad at me and I deserve to get yelled at, he doesn’t. He has only raised his voice at me once and it was because my driving had scared him. I was hugging the median and I didn’t really hear him the first time he had asked me to stop. As soon as he had raised it voice, he immediately apologized and explained why he did it. I remember just being stunned and confused.

I had grown so accustomed to fights consisting of screaming matches, passive aggressive insults and threats of divorce. I feared fighting because being yelled at and threatened makes me extremely anxious and scared. Yelling was always accompanied by hands-on encounters. I felt like a stranger in my own house and like I was walking on eggshells. The more I voiced my opinions and attempted to make compromises, the worse the fights would become. This lifestyle eventually felt normal and I didn’t realize it was unhealthy. I didn’t realize that I expected this from everyone.

Then Matthew H. came into my life and we fell in love.

When we fight, it’s a discussion. It’s a simple, two-way, calm conversation. The first time we actually argued, I was shaking all over and bracing for impact. In my head, all I could think was that he was walking away from our relationship and I was an idiot. When he realized what my mind was doing to me, he just hugged me and said he loved me. Then we had that awkward conversation about our fears, insecurities and how all that came to be. We also talked about our expectations were and created the “rules” for future disagreements.

This was the moment I knew that I was going to marry him. I knew that this marriage would work, even if it gets complicated and frustrating.

Whew… Now I will get to the point I was wanting to vent about in my first few sentences.

My main insecurity is that he will get fed up with us and walk out on our relationship. I don’t get why it won’t go away. I don’t fear he will cheat on me, or hit me. I just worry that when he’s mad, the bomb will drop and we will cease to exist. I feel like an awful person when that insecurity crawls out from under the bed. I am an honest person and I tell him every time I start to get anxious about it. Matthew has literally NEVER done a SINGLE thing to cause this insecurity. It’s a scar that is left over from previous wounds. I hate telling him about it but I do because of his reaction. He stays calm and just reassures me. Then, I feel better.

In the time we have been together, every time this problem rears its ugly head, he helps that scar fade a little more than the last time. I’m truly blessed that I married an intuitive man that is patient and understanding. I absolutely love that he knows my little tell-tale body language. It’s one of my favorite “Matthew powers”.

I wish I could get rid of all the insecurities. My husband says they aren’t annoying or overbearing. He just loves me.

I’m flawed, but who isn’t?

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