May 18, 2013

It was on this fateful day that I made a mistake. I wish I could go back to that day and get a do-over.

I married Bobby on May 18, 2013, in the mid-morning. My tech school graduation was coming up soon. I still hadn’t received orders to my first duty station.

I remember getting ready and wondering if I was making a mistake. Our relationship was rocky during basic training. I remember wondering why I was choosing to go through this. I never came to a solid conclusion to that looming question. I cried during the wedding ceremony because I felt guilty for questioning everything earlier that morning.

I should have sent him home instead of driving with him to the courthouse. The finale to our saga was destructive.

I don’t hate him anymore. I did for awhile, then the raw bitterness set in. The final emotional stage was indifference and acceptance. I made a mistake but at least I learned from it.

I learned what I don’t want in a man or a relationship. I learned that defining expectations are important. I don’t think I would have stayed in a relationship with him if we had that conversation.  I learned that physical fitness is important to me and that I want a partner that prioritizes fitness too. I also learned what it feels like to fall out of love with your partner. When I had that realization, the first wave of emotion was numbing. I didn’t think I’d ever find love again.

When this day passed last year, I felt relieved. I was free to be myself.

1 year later and I don’t feel anything. It’s funny how time heals and flies by. It feels good to be happy. It feels good to be free. I know Matt will never take from me.

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