My single days have come and gone. It feels like a sigh of relief.
Don’t get me wrong, being single is rather convenient but it is empty, lacking and unfulfilled.
I kicked ass at my job and a jet launched safely. I get excited about that. I feel good about that contribution to my country. I like to talk about that with someone. When I was single, I’d come home, worn out, blackened hands and the aroma of aircraft fuel engulfing my presence to the snuggly creatures that don’t understand a word of English. My cats are great for warmth and affectionate company but alas, they can not fill my social needs.
My daily calendar was filled with my gym obligations and a few social gatherings with the few friends I trusted with my inner most secrets. I enjoyed dates with myself, involving a Netflix -recommended show and a random bottle of wine. I ignored the innermost desire to seek out someone to share life with and ultimately grow old with.
I had myself very convinced that I wanted to be alone forever. I hardened my heart to the romantic fantasy of chick flicks and the idea of a soulmate. I had picked up a nasty habit from a ex. I stopped communicating my wants, desires and expectations to fellow humans.
Then I found Matthew.
For the first time in my life, I am blissfully happy. I still have emotional, heart-wrenching bad days. However, Matt is there through it all. He takes care of me and I take care of him. Sometimes, (although it feels like most times) I fall short of his expectations and the promises that I made to him. I don’t always clearly communicate what I want or need. He doesn’t hold those fleeting moments of failure against me. He loves me through the rough parts and we work on our issues together. He never raises his voice at me, nor me to him. He doesn’t insult my character, or judge me for my flaws. He simply loves me and challenges me to grow by remaining by my side. He is patient and is always there to pick me up when I crash and burn.
When I was a teenager, I came across a phrase while reading a novel. I have forgotten the title of the book but I still recall the general phrase. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you do not deserve to have me at my best“. Recovering from my past relationships have proven that phrase to be accurate. My past has challenged me to be more selective in whom I trust and to learn to forgive more.
My worst moments still flare up. I feel ashamed when I distance myself from my husband because I had a bad day. I know it hurts him when I pull away too soon or flip on a random tv show to escape. However, he doesn’t take it personally. I always seek him out when I finally come to my senses.
I prefer being married to Matt. I never want to be single again or have another man in my life. I will always be his Mrs for better or worse.
When I was in relationships with other men, I still felt empty, misunderstood and unfulfilled. Deep down, I knew that it wasn’t right and my mind would daydream back to the fleeting moments where I had experienced single life and independence.
Now that I am with the right man, I daydream of the possibilities our shared life can have. I try and picture our future children, playing tag with Matt in the backyard. I think about future moonlit evenings where we will share a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes.
For once in my life, I see a future. I never saw that when I was single. I know I have been married before, but it was simply a fancy last name. I wasn’t committed to it. I didn’t welcome or accept it. I don’t regret those events anymore. I learned from it all.
Being a fully committed wife has changed my life and given me a blessed future. I am grateful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.