Walking away Numb

I have a big heart and I like to help out people. I struggle with saying “no” to people. That trait makes me prone to being taken advantage of.

I had a phenomenal best friend, well I thought I did. I truly believed that her and I would remain friends for all time and that we would always work though our fights.

In October-November of 2017, my husband and I made plans to visit South Dakota in February of 2018 to see our friend Trey before he deployed in the spring. I told my best friend (Elizabeth) and her husband (Scott) that we were going to be in the SD area in February and that we’d like to see them.

Sometime in December 2017 , I made it clear to Elizabeth and Scott that my husband and I were going to be staying at Trey’s house when we came out to SD and that we were only going to be there for a week. I also told them that we planned a snowboarding trip in Deadwood with a group of friends that we also had up there. I was asked not to invite Scott because some of the people in our group of friends didn’t like Scott. They all worked together with Scott before he got put in support and eventually, got out of the military. They didn’t like his personality or his work ethic and they didn’t want to deal with him for a whole day on the mountain.

As the date of the trip loomed closer and closer, I got a message from Scott asking if we were going to be staying with them. I had to remind him a couple times that we were staying with another friend but we appreciated the offer. I made plans to visit with Elizabeth and see the new 50 shades of grey movie with her for the Saturday that we were going to be in town. I did remind them that we were going to be going up to Deadwood for a portion of our trip out there.

I intentionally made sure that Matt and I’s time was well planned out and busy. I didn’t want to get stuck babysitting.

(When Matt and I came home from our Guam deployment, we were only planning on visiting Elizabeth, Scott and the kids, and staying the night at his old apartment (Matt had roommates that were taking over the lease) before we were going up to Deadwood for a R&R vacation.We planned to sign the lease for an apartment together and move in a little bit during this time too.

Unfortunately, it didn’t really work out as planned. Matt and I had to cut our Deadwood trip short because Elizabeth and Scott had no childcare. I have no idea how they managed while we were deployed, but all of a sudden, they were desperate. It all worked out but it only did because Matt and I had to baby sit. Did I mention that every time that I babysat for Elizabeth and Scott, IT WAS FOR FREE?

Matt and I didn’t mind until they asked us to babysit so they could have a Valentines’ Day date. Matt moved our plans to later in the evening. It was no biggie. It was just supposed to be dinner but they decided to also see a movie. They got home late and Matt was livid that he had to cancel our plans. Both of their children are hyperactive and they don’t listen very well. Also, their son doesn’t really go to bed until 1-ish in the morning and sleeps in the parent’s bed. It’s a long day if you have to watch the kids alone. )

I also knew that neither her or Scott were going to be able to afford to take some time off. I also knew that they couldn’t afford to stay in Deadwood, go snowboarding or childcare in order to be able to do those things. Thier kids are not very well-behaved kids and I was afraid that the kids were going to cause issues if they came to. They would be the only kids there, everyone else had arranged childcare.

I told Elizabeth and Scott that we were going snowboarding but I didn’t tell them how many people/couples were going in our group because I didn’t want to make them jealous. I did tell them that we found out I was pregnant. I was still planning on going snowboarding because the doctor said that it was perfectly safe if I went.

Once we finally got to SD, it was cold. Trey was excited to see us and we all went to Perkins to grab some food. We told Trey that we were pregnant and we asked him to be The Godfather.

I did go to see Scott and their 2 kids. I waited there until Elizabeth got off work. Elizabeth surprised me with a fetal Doppler. I spent a couple hours with her once she got home. Trey and Matthew picked me up after running some errands.

That Saturday morning, I woke up to some cramping and bleeding. I immediately went to the emergency room. While I was there, Elizabeth got off work early to sit with me in the room with Matthew. I was really scared that I was having a miscarriage and nervous about having a male doctor for the pelvic exams. She helped calmed me down and had the hospital change the doctor to a female. After some blood work and an ultrasound, miscarriage was ruled out and the doctor told me that the baby was safe. I was given a rhogam shot since I have a negative blood type and my husband has a positive blood type. Then I was discharged. The movie time for the movie that Elizabeth and I had planned for was already passed. My husband and Trey wanted to get me dinner and have me crawl into bed to relax. It had been a stressful day.

A couple days later, Matt and I, along with a big group of friends went up to Deadwood for our snowboarding trip. We came back the night before Valentines’ Day. Trey had already made dinner reservations for the three of us to eat at Outback that night.

Later that day, Scott messaged me asking if I would babysit the kids. I was livid. Deep down, as I was telling them months prior to the trip, I knew at some point, that it would probably be Scott that asked me or Matt to babysit. I just knew it.

I promised Matt that I would never agree for us to babysit their kids again, especially for free. I made this agreement after I almost got in trouble during ALS for having to leave early in order to pick up their kids from daycare before 5pm and watch them for 2-3 hours until Elizabeth got home from school. I didn’t have enough time to study for ALS because of their kids behave. I finally had to just put my foot down and say enough is enough.

I told Scott “No” and informed him that we had plans of our own.

I wasn’t able to really see them for the rest of the trip. Scott messaged me and asked me what the point was of our trip. It then became clear that Elizabeth and Scott expected me to drop my plans and thought that this trip was all about them. I also suspect that they expected us to babysit so they would be able to get a break from their kids to do adult things and date nights.

Scott explained how Elizabeth felt and recommended apologizing to her. I told Scott that at no point did I make it seem like this trip was all about them, and that I don’t appreciate being asked to babysit the morning of the day.

I tried to apologize to Elizabeth. She messaged me saying that she knows I didn’t ignore her intentionally and explained that she felt like she was an acquaintance instead of a best friend. I told her that I was sorry her feelings were hurt but all our SD trip plans were finalized and paid for in December.

Since that message, she has ignored the couple of messages I’ve sent asking about how she’s doing. We are still friends on Facebook though. The only message I have gotten since her last message she sent me (the one where she explained how she felt directly to me instead of having her husband message me) was asking what year I bought the treadmill that is in their garage. (I gave it to her since her house had the room for it and my apartment didn’t. I figured that she would use it. She’s unhappy with her weight but doesn’t do anything to improve her fitness.) I’m assuming that she’s trying to sell it. Good for her. They need the money.

They have never been financially responsible. As soon as she graduates college, her and Scott are packing up the kids and the house and moving in with his parents in Texas.

My feelings were hurt for awhile but now I don’t really care. I always felt like I was being taken advantage of when it came to babysitting. I love their kids but I don’t like how they parent or how their kids behave. I didn’t like how she made me feel when she wanted to do but I already had plans for Matt and I. I felt like I couldn’t really have other friends. I felt like she would get pissy about how much time Matt and I had together.

I just didn’t like the dynamic. It just wasn’t until I went to Georgia last month and met Matt’s family or until I became best friends with Leann that I realized that I just don’t like how Elizabeth treated me. I’m sure that Elizabeth hates me now. Oh well, it was good while it lasted and while I was too naive to stand up for myself .

From now on, I will live my life and if my friend try to interfere with that or make me feel guilty, they won’t be friends anymore. I’m just numb when it comes to Elizabeth. I wish them the best of luck but until they grow up, they will continue to be the hot mess that they already are. It’s just sad because it’s the kids that suffer the most.

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