A Brave Decision

I am a resilient woman but I haven’t been feeling like myself for a long time. My biggest weakness is the inability to accept when I need help and seek it out. I don’t want to appear to be weak, irresponsible, stupid or crazy.

I have been feeling down for a long time now. Since I’ve become pregnant, it’s harder to ignore my inner voice that tells me I am not okay. I’m more emotional now than I have been in my entire life. I cry a lot and it’s mostly in front of my husband. I feel relief when I do instead of ashamed. My newly found vulnerability has brought my husband and I closer together. His strength has given me the strength to do something that I never would have done without him.

I went to mental health and asked for help.

I feel bad about myself a lot. I feel sad, hopeless and unmotivated. I’m not suicidal and I have never wanted to harm another person. I have moments where I feel like I can’t breathe. I will cry and start to rock myself. My mind will race. I replay every interaction that I had with people throughout the day in my mind and analyze them obsessively. Should I have said that in a different way? Is that person trying to manipulate or are they trying to impede something I want to do? I have horrendous nightmares about 1 event that happened in 2015. I barely want to crochet. I don’t feel like cleaning the house or preparing the baby’s room. I feel like I am going through the motions everyday.

I can’t face this by myself. I’ve been trying to deal with this by myself for few years. It’s taken the past year for my husband to help me realize that it’s okay to ask for professional help. Sadly, it’s taken the past year or so of our marriage/relationship to realize that my husband is never going to walk out on me.

So, a week ago, I filled out the online questionnaire for my annual physical health assessment. I am usually always honest on it but in the past, when it asked about my mental health, I downplayed how I had been feeling. This time, I accepted the truth about myself and my questionnaire reflected that. I was referred to mental health and I accepted the offer of help.

I feel relieved. I’m hopeful that by continuing to accept the help, I’ll feel better in the months and years to come. What do I have to lose? The suffering in silence and lying to myself has only brought me more sorrow and heartache.

If you are struggling with mental health. Seek the help. The relief that you start to feel is better than suffering in silence.

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